Dispelling Myths About Natural Birthing

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As my first baby turns five this week, I’ve been reflecting more and more on the birth of my babes and I want to take a minute to celebrate the beauty of birth itself and shed some insight into my personal choice to birth my kids naturally at home.

Birth is a beautiful, natural process that women’s bodies were literally created for.  It has been untouched and uninterrupted for billions of years.  Our hospital birthing culture has managed to industrialize birthing to the point where its not only lost its sacred beauty, but somewhere along the way, its been interwoven with a sense of fear, which has prompted women to lose faith in their bodies ability to do what it was designed for.

For so long I literally feared even telling people I birthed my children at home, which looking back now seems silly since it’s all such a big part of who I am.  I think the difficulty I had at the time sharing with others about my choice was people honestly didn’t know much about home birth and because of this, they most likely assumed it was risky or unsafe.  I wrote this post to dispelll this common myth about natural birthing.

How I Really Became Interested in Home Birth in the First Place

Let me just get this out there first: I’ve been a strong willed woman since the time I exited my mothers womb (my father would contest to this fact).  Not in so much in a defiant way, more in the independent thinker sort of way.  I’ve just never felt comfortable with people telling me how I should think or what I should do without doing my own research first.  And when I set my mind to something, it’s darn near impossible to change my mind.

And I always always always wanted to know the root cause of every medical practice and every disease.  I became interested in natural birthing methods far before I was even in a position to have children or even in a commited relationship.  I watched The Business of Being Born, a documentary about the birthing system in America, when I was 20 years old, as a junior in college (If you haven’t seen this documentary, its on Netflix and will blow your mind).  C-sections just didn’t sit well with me way back then.  I was ranting about the wild C-section rates in the US and correlating infant mortality rates to my friends in undergraduate school. I’m pretty sure they thought I was crazy back then but that’s totally ok with me.

But when it came time for me to make an ultimate decision in how and where I would birth my own son about 8 years later,  it really came down to two factors: I had previously witnessed all three of my sisters have traumatic hospital births that ended in C-sections that they didn’t want and on top of that, the specific county I lived in at the time had higher c-section rates than even the national average (which is 31%, in case you were wondering).

I had wanted a child for so long but yet I was terrified at the prospect of giving birth from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  Not because I was afraid of the actual birth itself, in all of its unknowns as a new mom, but more so because I was afraid of having a medicalized birth that was unplanned and with interventions that were unnecessary and because I really, really didn’t want to have a C-section.

I was extremely healthy and able and I felt there was no need for me to deliver in a hospital, given that my pregnancy was so low risk.

I had witnessed how my sisters were bullied into interventions they didn’t want and ultimately had birth experiences they were disappointed and traumatized by.  I was fearful because I really didn’t want my birth to spiral from one seemingly innocent medical intervention, like pitosson, to the next, like painful contractions, a difficult labor, an epidural and ultimately a C-section.

After months of research, I realized quickly that my chances were pretty slim for having a natural, uninterviened birth at my home hospital, and that made me very afraid to enter into my pregnancy. I’ve always hated hospitals, needles and didn’t particularly trust doctors.  There were also no natural birthing centers in my area at the time but there was an amazing midwife home birth practice.  While I really wanted a natural birth, I had always envisioned it in more of a birthing center situation, rather than a home birth.  Even as a person who considered myself educated on natural birthing methods, I was still ignorant enough about homebirth to wonder about its safety and feasibility.

Since it was really one of my only options other than the hospital in my small town,  I decided it couldn’t hurt to go meet with the Midwife and see what she has to say.  I prayed my husband would be open to the idea.

We went together to meet her, my husband and I.  We asked all the questions she probably always gets from first time birthers.

My first question was what do we do if the cord is wrapped around the babies neck?  She calmly stated that a large percentage of babies are born with some degree of nuchal cord wrapping, that this was completely normal and non-life threatening.  She explained to me how babies receives o2 through the umbilical cord during birth, something I never realized or thought of.

What to do in the case of an emergency? She explained how close monitoring throughout my pregnancy would be the best indicator if I should stick with the home birth plan or choose a facility with emergency care.  In other words, had I or the baby shown any red flags for a complicated high risk birth, my midwife would suggest that I change providers.  She reminded me we were just a ten minute of a drive to the nearest hospital.   

What if I couldn’t handle the pain? She told me epidurals are not an option.  She explained how she would teach me ways to deal with the pain and be there to comfort me through it.  

She reminded me of how pregnancy isn’t an illness and doesn’t really necessitate hospitalization, it’s just what’s normal in our culture. 

On and on it went.  Every fear was quenched with an honest answer, that calmed my soul.

She was knowledgeable, factual, scientific, competent, experienced, realistic and she presented me with so much helpful information. She taught me more about my own body than I had came to realize in my entire adult life.

For the first time since becoming pregnant, I actually felt calm as I approached pregnancy and birth.  I felt I was in the right place and had finally felt legitimate trust in a provider as I walked through my birth.

I felt for the first time that my dream to have a natural birth was not just a reality, but the best thing for me and my baby.

What I Want You to Know about Homebirth

My births at home were both very different and nothing short of amazing.  My first son was born within 5 hours of my water breaking, which is considered a very quick labor for a first time mother.  My second baby had a few complications that made labor more difficult for me, but in the end, she was born in the water, and my midwife and doubla helped and empowered me through my difficult labor. 
I received the most amazing care and encouragement from my birth team, who took care of me, monitoring the health of both me and my children, far after the birth even occurred.  They cared for me so much during that post-partum period and answered all my questions, about healing, breastfeeding, post partum anxiety, etc.  They ultimately gave me the type of care and support I could never in a million years receive in a hospital setting.

Here are my top 8 things I want you to know about birthing your children at home: 

  1. It’s less scary than a hospital birth. Why? Because it’s more predictable and you’re more in control of the outcome and the interventions that will or will not be performed on you or your baby.

  2. It’s not more risky than a hospital birth.  There is literally no body of evidence, that has any factual information stating that having your baby naturally with a midwife is more risky for the health of the baby or the mother than a hospital birth.  To the contrary, the hospital culture of birth in our nation has created a national disaster in terms of birthing safety for both babies and mothers.  The US is not only the most dangerous place in the entire developed world for birthing mothers (we have higher death rates of birthing mothers than any other developed country) but we also have the highest rate of infant mortality than any other country in the developed world.  See the International Comparisons of Infant Mortality and Related Factors: United States and Europe, for some alarming statistics.

    A study from the Journal of Midwifery & Women’s Health (JMWH), a landmark study** confirms that among low-risk women, home births result in low rates of interventions without an increase in adverse outcomes for mothers and babies.  This study, which examines nearly 17,000 courses of midwife-led care, is the largest analysis of planned home birth in the U.S. ever published. 
    Some standouts from this study: (homebirth cesarean rates of 5.2%, a remarkably low rate when compared to the U.S. national average of 31%, lower rates of intervention in home births, 97% of babies were carried to full-term in the homebirths, babies were healthy averaging 8 lbs at birth, 98% of homebirth babies were breastfed at 8 weeks post-partum, only 1% of babies required a hospital transfer after birth for non-urgent issues, and there was no higher risk of death during labor for home birthing mothers).

    If anything, I would guess you and your babies are in better hands with an in-tuned midwife than delivering in a hospital setting.

  3. Homebirth midwives are extremely selective which screens out high risk situations. Why? Because they don’t take high risk pregnancies and advise women with complicated medical histories to birth in a hospital setting.

  4. Your prenatal and post natal care will be luxury VIP in comparison to a hospital birthing scenario. How? I’m sure I’m unable to really do this comparison justice, but let me just name a few of the perks of working with a midwife:

    • Extensive pre-natal monitoring with a hands on approach (midwives use their hands to tell the position of the baby and monitor growth of the uterus and the baby), that teaches and educated you along the way
    • Regular growth, heart rate and position monitoring for baby
    • Birth plan coaching and management
    • Bi-weekly to weekly hour long prenatal visits in which all your wildest questions are answered
    • Pre-natal coaching for labor pain management
    • Extensive education and preparation for birthing and labor
    • Vaccine discussion and information
    • Post partum home visits with incredible post natal care for baby and mom
    • Breastfeeding help
    • Monitoring of babies weight gain
    • Monitoring of health of the mother
    • Emotional support, screening for post-partum anxiety and depression
    • Post-partum care until 8 weeks after birth for both baby and mother while the care is being transferred to a pediatrician.

    I’m not sure about you, but I’ve never in my life heard any type of OB provide this type of care to a birthing mother.

  5. A natural birth isn’t something to be feared. Once we fully embrace the natural ability of the body to perform its innate capabilities, we can let go of this fear based mentality, fueled by the industrialization and hospital culture of birthing in our nation. Our bodies are extremely strong, capable and powerful vessels, created to sustain and deliver life into this world. And women have birthed their babies naturally for hundreds of years without hospitalization and intervention, with the help of midwives.

  6. You can still deliver vaginally with a midwife if your first birth was a C-section. Yes, VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean delivery) are possible with a midwife (depending on the state you live in). If your OB has managed to convince you that you are physically unable to withstand a vaginal delivery because you’ve already had a C-section, that simply isn’t true. Midwifes take clients on a case by case basis, and I’ve heard many successful vaginal delivery stories following a C-section.

  7. You should be in control of your birthing experience. I’ve seen and heard so many stories of how women have been taken advantage of in the process of birth by their providers. Whether it be a quick change in the birth plan, an administration of a drug that occurred against a mothers will, or having an episiotomy down there against your will. What I’m saying is, make sure you feel right about your provider before you commit to working with them and make sure you have a birth plan in place and openly discuss all aspects of how your birth plan could change prior to birth with your provider.

  8. If I can do it, so can you! I’m just a regular gal, with a strong willpower whose always had a low threshold for pain. If I can do it, you certainly can too!

The Real Reasons I Chose a Natural Birth at Home

Contrary to what you might think, I didn’t chose to birth my children at home because I’m crazy.  Or because I didn’t do enough research prior to birth to find out all the complications that could arise.

Or not even because I felt I was better, stronger or braver than any other birthing mother.

And certainly not because I think you’re a bad mom if you had an opted for or emergency C-section or any other type of hospital birth.

I made a choice to birth my kids at home because I believed in the beautiful and perfect design of our Creator who literally sets life as we know into its place.

I birthed my kids at home because I trusted my body to do what it was created to do.

Because I chose faith over fear.

Because I researched more than you know.

Because I found it was actually a safer option for me and my babies.

Because C-section and infant mortality rates are higher in the US than any other country in the developed world, despite being one of the wealthiest nations in the entire world.

Because maternal care is also worse in the US than any other country in the developed world, despite the fact that we spend more money in healthcare than any other country.

Because the area I lived in at the time had even higher rates of C-sections than the national average.

Because a “natural” uninterviened birth in a hospital setting in this situation was highly unlikely and very unpredictable.

Because I had witnessed all three of my sisters have traumatic hospital births that ended in C-sections.

Because I didn’t want to be in a vulnerable position when someone challenged me to make rash decisions about my birth plan.

Because the United States has birthing backwards and the medical system teaches women to distrust their bodies and fear the process of birth.

Because babies aren’t designed to be too big for their mothers birth canals.

Because a cord being wrapped around a babies neck during birth (nuchal wrapping) isn’t even a fatal situation (both my babes were born with wrapped cords)

Because heart rates drop often as they relate to outside intervention and pressure through the birth canal when babies not in the correct position.

Because birthing a child into this world is beautiful and sacred and holy and a hospital scenario over medicalizes it.

Because my body is strong.

Because I don’t fear pain.

Because perfect love casts out all fear.

Because I was perfectly healthy and had zero pregnancy complications.

Because the pre and post-natal maternal care and support of a midwife blows every single hospital maternal care unit out of the water by light years.

My home births were by no means painless but they were without fear.

They weren’t easy but they were empowering.

They were challenging but not impossible.

My births brought me closer to the Lord, helped me figure out who I was and filled me with so much faith over the beautiful design of my body.

Birth is beautiful and wild, a natural process we were literally made for.  It shouldn’t be feared, hindered or intervened if it doesn’t have to be.

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My first time holding my daughter after her water birth

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My son, just a few days old

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The first time I held my first son, after a fairly quick delivery at home

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About 8 months pregnant with my second baby

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My Birthing Team with my second delivery of my daughter, a few minutes after her birth 
Angela Love, of Midwife Love, practices at an incredibly successful Midwifery practice in Vero Beach, Florida and she delivered both of my babies with the most excellent care

Resources:

  1. MacDorman M, Declercq E, Mathews TJ. Recent trends in out‐of‐hospital births in the United States. J Midwifery Womens Health. 2013;58(5):494‐501.

  2. International Comparisons of Infant Mortality and Related Factors: United States and Europe, 2010 <found at https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr63/nvsr63_05.pdf>

Therapist Picks Christmas Gift Guide

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If you’re worried about getting it right this Christmas with gift buying for your littles, dont worry, I’ve got you covered! I created this Therapist Approved Christmas Guide to help you weed through the junk and find the best, most durable, loved on and of course developmentally appropriate toys!

This Christmas Gift Guide is everything! My hope was to be able to bring to you a condensed, researched and pre-approved list of all of my favorite toys that are developmentally appropriate for each age group (0-2 years and 3-5 years). After working as a pediatric occupational therapist for almost 10 years, I have become quite a toy fanatic. Not really in the storage of bucketloads of toys all over my house sort of way but more in the extremely selective, sturdy, age-appropriate, long-lasting sort of way. In my house that typically means getting rid of a lot of things we don’t use frequently and keeping toys that still serve an educational, developmental, sensory or skill-enhancing purpose (like music/art toys).

I am not a big fan of over-stimulating, musical toys with lots of gadgets and sounds. I look for simple, basic and straightforward. The younger the age, the simpler the functions of the toy should be.

I am, however, a huge fan of open ended, high quality (usually wooden) toys that encourage creativity and child development! Open-ended toys are great for so many reasons..

  • They inspire creativity, pretend-play, spatial and size awareness, problem solving skills, etc

  • They never get old meaning they stay “age appropriate” for longer

  • The simplicity of open ended toys aren’t over-stimulating to the child

  • The simplicity of the design doesn’t make a lot of sounds that drive me crazy

    These toys below are all toys that I have personally used before in a clinical or personal way that I know kids love and benefit from developmentally. I did my best to choose toys that offer the entire rainbow of developmental skills, including: visual-motor skills, fine motor skills and hand skills, sensory integration, strengthening/gross motor skills, oral motor skills/feeding, socialization, pretend play, problem solving, etc.

    Most of these items are on amazon so they can be at your doorstep in just a few days but I’ve included a few specialty items from small business shops on ETSY which may take more time in transit. Keep in mind that many of the open ended and sensory toys can be used for either the 0-2 or 3-5 age group.

    Disclaimer: I never want to encourage materialism and buying more than you need, so if you can’t afford some of these goodies or don’t actually NEED them, then don’t buy them! *Affiliate links below



Ages 0-2


Ages 3-5

Identity Cards for Moms

As wild and beautiful as it may be, the challenges that come with motherhood often leave me second guessing myself and feeling as though I have lost a bit of my identity along the journey. The challenges that some days bring can leave me feeling overwhelmed and very much unable. Motherhood often brings me to this irrational place of self-doubt and self-criticism and if I’m not careful, even self-loathing.

Something huge that I have learned along the way is this - if we don’t intentionally find out the truth about who we really are and speak it over ourselves D A I L Y, we’re just leaving an open door for the enemy to come in and fill that void and tell us all the things we’re not.  For mom guilt and negative thinking about our parenting skills to override the truth and steal our joy and peace.

We are challenged physically and emotionally every single day.  We are pushed to our breaking point, we are exhausted beyond measure, sleep deprived, we have a million and one things to juggle and people to manage, meals to make, hearts to tend to, children to teach, lunches to pack, houses to clean, play dates to make, countless dates and obligations to remember.  

It’s hard work.  Good, wonderful, meaningful work, but hard work, nonetheless.  

Its almost always in those moments of being emotionally and physically drained when those negative thoughts will creep in to invade our peace, telling you all the things were just so darn bad at.  

I’m not good enough.
I’m not like the other moms at school.
I’m not pretty or skinny enough.
My kids aren’t well behaved (and its probably all my fault)
My house isn’t clean enough.
My kids aren’t healthy eaters like all my friends kids.

And then the mom guilt to top it off! 

I didn’t listen enough.
I yelled too much.
I didn’t play enough.
I lost my temper too easily.
I wasn’t there enough, etc etc. 

The list goes on and on.  The thoughts go in and out all day long if we are not careful.  And if we’re really negligent of our thought life, we begin to believe these things are actually true.

And this is exactly where the enemy wants us to be.  He wants us wallowing in a pile of self-guilt and doubt and self-condemnation about who we are so deep that we forgot who we even are and how to even live and enjoy our lives.  He’ll even take a good quality about you and make you believe its a quality we need to feel bad about.  Let me give you one example of how this was playing out in my own thought life; For a long time I was thinking I was too organized and I cleaned too much and that would somehow make my kids perfectionists and I needed to change that about myself.  I believed this for many years until I wrote down the truth: I like things to be clean and organized and it makes me feel good when things aren’t messy and chaotic.  Its also a good skill to teach my children to be organized and tidy too.  I don’t have a housekeeper so I do have to clean a lot when my kids are around but I still love on them unconditionally and spend as much time with them as I can.

When negative thinking tells us we are unable and unworthy of our jobs as moms, God tells us he uniquely designed us this way and he can use our gifts in the lives our children.

But for Jesus, who says we are chosen, forgiven, called, perfectly designed by him for a purpose.  He uniquely designed us to be the mother of our children.  He chose us for this job.  He sees past ALL of our mistakes, he only sees the good.  We just have to figure out what that good is and hold tight to it.  (The belt of truth - Ephesians 6:14)

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It is time, mama.  To end this relentless mom guilt, negative thinking, constant self-doubting and self-critical self talk.  I am challenging you today to re-frame your thought life and grab a hold of your identity, in three ways:

  1. Write down a list of every single negative thought about yourself and call it out as a LIE and challenge it with the opposite, the TRUTH.  And don’t just stop there.  But go one step further and promise yourself that the next time this lie or negative thinking comes into your head, you will replace it with the truth that you wrote down on that piece of paper.

  2. To print out these truth affirmations somewhere where you will see them every single morning and read them out loud to yourself, even if you don’t believe them to be truth in the moment

    I am Loved, Enough, Seen, Good, Able through Christ, Forgiven, Chosen, Called, Beautiful, Perfectly Designed, Righteous, Approved, Whole

  3. On the back, I challenge you to write down at-least TEN things about yourself that are good identifiers of you.  Descriptors that make you uniquely you!  (i.e. good mother, daughter, lover of cooking or fashion, a visionary, etc)


    The mind is a powerful place, my friends! If we can shift our thinking, we can experience more freedom in joy and peace in our parenting of our kids.

    Identity Scriptures:
    “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  Proverbs 4:23
    ”Casting down imaginations (thoughts), and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” 2 Corinthians 10:5
    "Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  Proverbs 18:21
    ”I have set before you LIFE or DEATH, blessing or cursing, therefore CHOOSE LIFE so that both you and your descendants may LIVE.”  Duet 30:19
    ”For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7



    I have uploaded this FREE IDENTITY CARD to my website just for your, mama! You can find it
    right here in the Helping Hands Shop.

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-Ashley

A Mom’s Guide to Letting Go of Perfect

Being a perfectionist has just naturally been part of who I was since as long as I can remember.  I could blame living in the continental US, where perfectionism is highly esteemed, or the family dynamics that come with growing up in a household of five women. 

Deep down, though, I think it all really stems from a deep and instinctual longing to be loved, accepted and approved.

Whatever the rhyme or reason, it has never really been a part of me that I considered a problem.  That is, until, I became a mom. 

However, even when I had my first child, I did the best I could to keep it all together, to prevent people from seeing how my perfection was being pulled apart at the seams. 

Nap time schedule was, of course, essential.  My son was easy going and slept through the night like an angel baby.  My house was still spotless and I managed to somehow work part time and keep healthy meals on the table every night.   I did struggle (tremendously) with breastfeeding.  Since I took this failure as a great assault at my abilities to properly nurture my child, I let mom-guilt run rampant over the issue.  I decided I would just step up my perfect-parenting game, in another way, by pumping breast-milk around the clock until my son was around 18 months old.  

For anyone who has ever exclusively pumped, you know it is total madness and sucks the joy out of life.

Managing a toddler was definitely W I L D, but with my background in pediatrics, I knew how to keep him busy while I kept things "under control."  In other words, with just one child, I could still play the part of being perfect.

All was fine until I became a mom of two children.  It wasn't long after my daughter was born that I realized I needed to start letting go of perfect

I was living alone in a new city with no help and my husband worked long hours.  Managing a 2 year-old and a newborn, all while trying to keep a perfectly clean house and healthy dinners on the table every night, was, to my surprise, impossible in every way.  My body was a wreck, not "bouncing back" like it did with my first.  My daughter never slept for more than 3 hours until she was over a year old.  She cried for hours on end most nights, as I tried relentlessly to calm her.  I remember bouncing her in her carrier for hours trying to get her to calm down and settle in for sleep.  Meanwhile, I was a non-slept zombie and my son tore every square inch of the house into pieces.  Keeping a naptime schedule was nearly impossible with another child to consider.  Dinner was often takeout. There were days when I didn't look in the mirror or have proper clothing on until 5 pm.

The demands of motherhood laughed at my ideas of picture perfect motherhood. 

Every night I went to bed feeling like I had failed my children. I cried.  Oh man, did I cry.

It wasn't long until I came to the realization that if I wanted to be a good mom, that is, to focus on things that are actually important, I had to stop sweating all the small stuff

Even though I didn't really know how, I was relieved that I didn't have to keep up with myself anymore.  I had grown so weary of the high standards I had set for myself and those around me.  I wanted a way out of the perfectionist trap and to loosen the reigns. 

I knew my children needed me to look at them and not the 3-day old stain on the dining room floor.

I realized that the most beautiful encounters with my children had been when I decided to say, "Oh, screw it!" (i.e. the house, dinner, naptime schedules, etc)  Love and joyful encounters with my children was incomparable to the latter.

The beauty in the moments, when I intentionally chose stillness and gratitude over productivity, was the reason I decided it was time to lay down a life-long pattern of perfectionism and control.  

The problem was, I didn't really know where to start.  I had been living this was for over 30 years, after all.  But I did know that I needed to start somewhere.  So I started practicing being imperfect.  Just like I had been teaching my four-year old son.  "The only way to get better at something is by practicing," I would tell him.

So, I did.  And so I still am, practicing being imperfect. 

I feel strongly that perfectionism and control are battles faced by most mothers today.  I also feel strongly that motherhood is the ultimate challenger of that mentality.  I believe that it is by strategic design that our Creator pleads with us through motherhood to lay down control, rely on His strength and grace and to walk in his plans for our lives and not our own.

So without further ado, here are my tips for how a mom like myself might start practicing being impefect:

  1. Get up every day + CHOOSE to lay down perfection and control: 
    It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out discussion or prayer (most moms of young children don't have the luxury of early morning time).  It can be as simple as saying, "Lord, give me this day my daily bread." In other words; God, provide me with the things I need for just today.  "Help me not to think above and beyond what is expected of me in just this one day.  I lay down control over how my day will turn out.  I will try my best, give me strength and peace through the trials that lay may or may not lay ahead.  I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.  This season is hard but it is beautiful.  Thank you God that You are in control and You are the only one that is perfect."

  2. Love yourself! 
    Motherhood has a way of bringing to the surface all of our hidden issues and flaws that we've managed to somehow keep under wraps, pre-motherhood.  It’s the ultimate refiner, if you will.  It forces us to deal with our personal anxieties, fears and failures in a way that seeks to overcome so that our children can experience a joyful childhood. 

    Accept your "flaws" and embrace and lean on your strengths in motherhood.  It may be helpful to make a list of your strengths and weaknesses as a mother.  And learn to wholeheartedly L O V E that person, flaws and all. You will probably find you have way more strengths than you do weaknesses.

    Again, you weren't made to be perfect and nobody actually is perfect, no matter how much they might appear to be on social media. Learn from your weaknesses and walk proudly in your strengths.  Let areas and moments of struggle become opportunities to learn and not to beat yourself up over.  Give yourself a ton of grace and forgiveness.  Motherhood is hard.

     
  3. Set aside designated times to clean so it doesn't interfere with being present
    One of my biggest challenges has been to enjoy the moment with my children by playing with them and having fun instead of focusing on the mess that they are currently making.  I used to (and still do, occasionally) clean all day long and it is foolish and exhausting.  It has helped me to get into a routine of trying to only clean or pick up the mess during two times a day (after breakfast and at night when the kids are going to bed).  When the entire house is messy and things are out of place, it helps me to envision how it it will look when the night is over and the kids are in bed.
     
  4. Get rid of stuff:
    When you have kids, clutter and useless things build up very easily.  Birthdays and Christmas alone feed into this madness, not to mention your addiction to Targets' $1 section.  It is stressful having to constantly keep track of and put away millions of tiny (often worthless) items all day long.  Try to go through one room a day and get rid of one or more items.  Keep a box in each room for Goodwill.  The less "stuff" cluttering your mind and your home, the less amount of things you have to keep track of in your weary mom brain.
     
  5. Focus on people and not things:
    I know this is sort-of a broad generalization but it has really helped me in times of indecision of what I should focus on.  Should I mop the floors or spend extra time talking with my son before bed? Should I go to park with my daughter or should I stay home and clean?  Is anyone coming over to see your endless piles of laundry or messy dining room floor? If the answer is clearly a no, spend your time nurturing your children's heart instead.  
     
  6. Create your own mothering style: 

    You don’t have to be someone else, you just have to be who you are. I believe that motherhood is an opportunity to step into who you were really meant to be.  Sadly, too many moms are focused on what they think they should be and instead of who they are.  Social media exasperates this problem since we forever looking at another person's idea of motherhood and thinking that's the way we should be a mom too.  

    You are the way you are for a reason.  And it is okay to have different ideas about motherhood than your mom, your sister or your best friend.

  7. Accepting others as imperfect too
    Now that you have let go of the idea that you're suppose to be perfect, its time you let others around you off the hook, too.  Sorry, mama, but your husband is not perfect.  Nor will he ever be.  And this whole parenting thing is hard for him as well.  

    And those children of yours, they aren't perfect either.  They are so far from perfect its not even funny, actually.  But you know what?  Even though they aren't perfect and won't share their toys with all the kids at the park, at the heart of a child is pure 100% goodness.  They just need someone to stand by them and hold their hand as they learn things about life.
     
  8. Breath through the tough times
    Somewhere between the 98th time you told your son to put his shoes on and the 42 minutes it took for you to buckle everyone into their carseats, its easy to lose your cool. 

    Just B R E A T H E when things get stressful or seem out of control. 

    If breathing doesn't do it for you, try to say something like "this isn't a big deal" or "I'm okay, I can handle this"   This too, shall pass.  And being 10 minutes late to school isn't going to be the end of the world, either.  
     
  9. Get OUT of the MOM CAVE:
    I don't care if you live in Canada and its currently below zero, get yourself outside.  There is something freeing and peaceful about being outside, even if it's for a brief walk or taking your kids to play out in the neighborhood playground.  Go where the people are.  It helps to let go of the messy house or unfinished laundry when you're outside enjoying some fresh air with your kids.  It's a little bit like avoiding the subject but it also is the most helpful way of getting out of any mom rut day.  
     
  10. Allow good enough to be okay:
    For the longest time I (subconsciously) thought that things had to be perfect in order for me to be a good mom.  It turns out that couldn't be further from the truth.  Kids don't care if their hair is messy, their rooms are clean or the dinner is perfection.  All the really want is a happy mom.  It took me a long time to finally allow good enough to be okay with me. 

    Maybe some nights I don't wash everyone's hair, but it's good enough.
    Maybe some nights I leave the playroom a complete disaster, but its good enough. 
    Maybe my daughter takes her nap in her car-seat because I have errands to run today, but its good enough. 

    Practice saying "its not perfect but its good enough."
     
  11. Make a list of your priorities:
    This is SO important.  Take time to write down a list of your top 5-10 priorities.  If being a nice mom is to your children is at the top of the list but you're more focused on scrubbing the bathroom floors, then move things around in your life.  Make a plan for how you're going to change to make room for the important stuff.  
     
  12. Try to focus on only one thing at a time:
    There is something that drives me crazy about not being able to accomplish everything on my to-do list.  But I know I get frazzled trying to do a million things at once and I end up not really accomplishing the most important thing.  Focus on one thing at a time, and try to do a good job at that thing before you try tackling 700 other less-important things.  

    My theory is that it isn't necessarily the amount of things I accomplished that given day that actually matters but rather that I accomplished one thing that matters, thoroughly.  
     
  13. Practice being still
    This may sound a lot easier than it actually is for a mother whose prone to striving for perfection.  Just CHOOSE to be still in moments with your children. 

    Forget about the mess.  Forget about the schedule.  Focus on their giggles, and live a little.  You might even try PLAYING and laughing a little too.  

    After all, if you can't have joy in raising your little ones, than what is it all worth anyways? 
     
  14. Allow people to help you:
    This can be as small as letting a friend watch your child while you go to a dentist appointment, or letting someone help you with your laundry or cleaning the bathrooms once a month.  It is absolutely OKAY to admit that you can't do everything yourself.   

    The sooner you allow someone in from the outside to hold your hand by helping out with something small, the sooner you'll realize you were never meant to do motherhood alone.
     
  15. Practice letting others see you in a less than perfect situation:
    This is the one that  has been the most challenging for me and also the most freeing.  It is actually lovely in a strange way to let someone else in on your imperfections and challenges. 

    Practice having a friend over for a play date when you haven't cleaned your house.  Practice dropping your kids off to school in your shameless mom sweats and bun.  Practice letting others see your children eating chicken nuggets for dinner.  Practice letting an outsider watch you struggle with your toddler, who is having a meltdown in the middle of the grocery aisle, and try not to die of embarrassment.

    Also practice letting other moms in on your imperfections by talking about your fears, anxieties and challenges in motherhood.  I was talking to another mom just the other day at the park about how I struggle with not sweeping the floors after EVERY MEAL and it just so turns out that she is struggling with the same thing too!  It made us both feel a little more sane and laugh a little that we were both trying to lay down the same striving for perfection in this crazy season.  We are all cut from the same mold.  Nobody is perfect and if they appear to be perfect, they're 100% putting on a show.  They struggle with the same things you do, just in lesser than or greater degrees. 

    Letting someone in on your secrets helps you move past them.  It helps you realize that no one really has this whole parenting thing figured out, after all.  


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-Ashley

 

2 Corinthians 1:3,4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

Isaiah 40:11: "He gently leads those that have young."

Motherhood, the Ultimate Refiner

“It is just a season.” A season of realizing the deepest love you’ve ever known, a season of self-sacrifice, self-reliance, sleeplessness, world turned upside down happiness.  A big change, but a season, nonetheless.  

A season because one day these little messy faced, constantly needing help children will be adults, navigating life on their own.  And even on the toughest of mom days, I know I will one day be standing here on the other side, wishing someone was still here to call me 15 million times for one more hug or snuggle before bed.  I’ll be the one dreaming I would hear a sweet cry from the other room and be the only one who is needed in the dead of night.

The season of raising littles is intense, challenging and all-consuming.  But more than anything I have found it to be self-reflective in a challenging but fruitful way.  It has been like an unexpected deadline that causes me to finally look at the girl in the mirror and boldly question, “Who am I?”  “What am I made of?”  And “Do I like what I see?” I have learned more about myself in these last four years than I ever have in all my 32 years of living.

Mothering is a never ending mirror that challenges my actions, my words, my attitudes, my choices and my beliefs.

And within each day of motherhood, lies a challenge that has the potential to shape me into a better version of myself.

Let me explain. 

To raise grateful children, I must live in gratitude and contentment with what I have.

To raise children who are patient, I must exude patience myself, even when it takes my daughter 7,000 minutes to get into her car seat since she can do it her “self.” 

To demonstrate humility, I must show them what it means to put others needs before my own. Luckily, this one comes by default as a mom.  There is literally nothing more humbling than not being able to pee on your own time clock.

To create empathy, I must try to see things from their point of view, no matter how futile or irrational their feelings may seem in the moment. 

To raise children who are brave, I must boldly face fears of my own.

To encourage kindness and gentleness, I must use my hands softly and speak sweetly, even when I’d rather yell.  

To help them understand it’s okay to make mistakes, I must reject my perfectionism every day. 

To raise children who are respectful, I must role model what respect is to them through my own speech, not just tell them they need to embody this foreign word.

To give my children a sense of peace and calm, I must daily choose peace and joy amidst the chaos.

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Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t get it right all the time, or even very often.  Because all of these virtues were literally just concepts to me before I became a mom.  But even when I get it wrong, it doesn’t stop me from reflecting on my day and praying I get it right tomorrow.  

Thank the Lord there is always tomorrow. 

 -Ashley 

 

“The steadfast LOVE of the Lord never ceases.  His mercies never come to an end.  They are new every morning.” Lam 3:22-23